The Gentle Fall A Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle vignette Sephy There should be rain, Syaoran thought as he trudged home, sword nearly dragging in the dirt, kicking up a faint cloud of dust, pale in the light of the waning moon. Kurogane would have his head if he were here, if he could see how shamefully Li was treating his blade but he didn't have it in him to care right now. Not beyond the knowledge of its weight and how all the strength he'd had earlier was gone, arm as heavy as stone. Why he hadn't dropped it, why he hadn't just stopped, sinking to his knees weighed down by the heaviness in his chest, spiraling outwards like invisible chains settling on his shoulders, Syaoran didn't know. Perhaps it was some last spurt of defiance where everything else had been knocked away, the wind taken from tattered sails, knowing only that if he stopped, he might not move again. And that didn't seem like such a bad thing. He couldn't though, not even as that thought burrowed in, traitorous and fat, sitting squat in the back of his mind so that he knew it was there, so that he felt its presence. There was too much to do still. Responsibilities to carry out and the others would be worried if he didn't return home. Sakura would be worried and if nothing else he couldn't bear the thought of causing her more pain. Better to carry a little more of his own rather than dim that slowly growing light, fed little by little, world by world, by the recovery of those precious feathers, each altered memory giving her a little more color than before, restoring her to the Sakura he knew, the Sakura he remembered and cherished. But she would never be that Sakura. That Sakura was dead and this girl, so similar, so bright and warm in her own way, would never be her. Could never be her. Not without the memories they'd once shared, Syaoran so carefully excised from each one, as if he'd never existed. Sometimes he wondered if he did at all, if what he remembered was truth or some wistful dream, the hope of an orphan who wanted something to cling to and had nothing at all beyond his own imagination. He -- No. No, he had to believe that what he remembered was truth and that somewhere there was a world where the two of them belonged, where there were other people who would remember him even when Sakura couldn't. The comfort that offered was precious little especially now. 'So, I think I'd like to make a bet with you -- something just between the two of us. And if you agree, I'll accompany you for a year and help you in your quest to gather the feathers. ' How had Seishirou-san known? How had he known just the words and the way to offer Li something he couldn't afford to turn down even knowing there would be a price involved. There was always a price. The Time Witch had taught him that if nothing else. But this -- Syaoran had thought he had nothing more to give up besides his life, nothing precious to him at any rate, not after giving up his place in Sakura's memories but he was beginning to think that he'd been wrong in that. There was something else he couldn't afford to lose and yet put on the line anyway. Himself. His soul. Everything that had and did make him who he was and here he was, actually thinking of giving it over and knowing in doing so possibly damning every single one of them. "If you can make me fall in love with you, I'll stay with you and continue to help. But if not, after a year, in return for my services, I'll kill you. Is it a bargain?" He couldn't stop the shiver the memory of those words evoked, burning ice down his spine, accompanied by the memory of furtive, not so rushed touches, as if Seishirou owned him, as if he were already so certain of Li's decision that he could afford to be possessive, almost flaunting. And he hadn't resisted, moving in tandem with each caress as if he were on strings, aching with each touch and wanting nothing more than to let go, to lose himself because it was an alternative to the dull, constant throb he carried with him, his own ever present guilt and regret. For not being better than he was, for not protecting her better than he had, for everything that had gone wrong from that moment to this one and mostly for not telling her. He could never tell her now. It was too little, too late and would never be the same, would never mean the same as if he'd told her then. He didn't want to say those words now and have her parrot them at him, because she felt grateful or guilty, thinking that he needed to hear them. Better to play this part, to be her friend always and protector for as long he could than that. And part of being her protector meant putting her needs before his own and in this case, Li was forced to admit that given how long each jaunt between worlds was taking, they might be looking at years before she was restored to some semblance of health and self. Or worse, she might get hurt or one of them killed before this journey was over and -- and -- Seishirou was strong. He was powerful in ways they were only beginning to comprehend and he was just ruthless enough that if he made their quest his goal then nothing would be able to stand in their way. Yet… There it was again -- yet, containing a million possible outcomes and warnings of just how wrong this could be, how he couldn't even trust himself where Seishirou was involved and still he was considering this. Syaoran reached out, trailing his free hand along warm wood of tall fences, each plank pressed together so that you couldn't see the house and yard beyond, without the swing of a gate to reveal anything at all and the sloping sway of a tree blanketing both house and yard, rising over and above garden walls and tin roofs. It was sticky, the air thick and damp with heat, moisture clinging to his body and making him uncomfortable, reminding him uncomfortably of where he'd been as if the strong scent of smoke and spice clinging to his hair and clothes weren't enough. There was no one out tonight, the flicker of street lanterns doing little more than throw more shadows at him, the only company he was fit for at the moment, dancing forever just out of his reach even as they dogged his steps, stretchy shapes writhing just in the corner of his eye. Cicadas were chirruping, buzzing loudly and that with the other insect song filled what should have been silence, a discordant harmony that rose and fell in lulls, oddly metallic as it fell upon the ears. There should have been rain, he thought again, almost absently, rain to give some sort of relief, to give silence, and respite. There should have been but there was nothing of the kind, the heat continuing to press in, soupy and smothering. 'Is it a bargain?' He shivered again, free arm moving to rub up and down his arm, wishing he had an answer to that. Any answer but the one he feared he would give. *** "You're late." Fai glanced up from the books he was juggling in his arms, gaze shifting towards the door Kurogane was leaning so easily across, beyond that to where Syaoran was coming up the steps, blinking as the ninja pushed out of his lean and came towards him, hands jammed in his pockets. Fai couldn't see Kurogane's expression but he could well guess from the way Syaoran's posture became suddenly defensive and the gruff tone of the older man's voice what it was and he eased the books down on the counter, keeping a wary eye on the pair. "I was delayed," Syaoran shrugged, taking a step and then another until he was on the porch, not quite looking at Kurogane or Fai for that matter. A definite tip off that something was up, Fai nodded to himself. Syaoran was usually so forthright it hurt, always looking people in the eye as if he expected the same sort of honesty and him trying to be evasive was almost painful to behold. Given how long they'd been together, Fai would have thought the boy more at ease with them than he had been in the beginning but of late, Syaoran's mind had been elsewhere, more and more distracted and definitely more moody even as Kurogane seemed to be losing some of his rougher edges (a feat Fai felt was due in no small amount to his constant prodding and poking -- with some help from Syaoran and Sakura, of course). Syaoran made as if to go past where Kurogane was looming and for a moment, Fai was certain that would be all there was to it but -- Ah, he should have known Kurogane wouldn't be able to let that go, suppressing a smile as a hand landed on Syaoran's shoulder, staying the boy, brown eyes widening in startlement before narrowing. "Did you find him?" Kurogane demanded, as if he hadn't seen that, as if he wasn't aware of how tightly strung the younger man was and Fai ran an absent finger over the counter as if checking for dust, strolling around the front of it, and hopping up into a sitting position. Just in case, he told himself. "Your Seishirou-san?" That earned him more of a reaction than perhaps even Kurogane intended, Syaoran's jaw tightening, near glaring as he drew himself up, the words almost hissed, "He's not my Seishirou-san." Kurogane raised his eyebrow then bristled and Fai coughed delicately, drawing both their attention to him before the big lug could say something that worsened the situation. Honestly, for someone who meant well, Kurogane could make such an absolute mess of things without even trying. "This would be one of those miscommunication moments we have, wouldn't it? Allow me to translate for Kuro-chan, Syaoran. What he really meant to say was, 'Welcome home. We were worried and are relieved you managed to find your way back in one piece." Syaoran glanced at Fai then at Kurogane who rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, muttering, "I'm pretty sure I said what I meant but since when does anyone around here give a damn?" "Now, now, Kuro-chan, is that any way to act?" Fai chided him, pushing at his hair, winking at Syaoran, "He's been grumpy since you left earlier, and don't let him fool you. He's not what you call subtle. I think he wore a hole in Satsuki-san's floor earlier." "I did not." "You did." "Did not," The ninja growled, glowering at Fai now who gave him a winsome smile in return. "Yes, you did," Fai replied pleasantly then turned his attention back to Syaoran, eyes sharpening just a bit, "Still, you have been gone a while. Sakura was worried." What Kurogane had yet to learn, mostly because he was too busy stomping around or perhaps to noble to take advantage of, was that the best way to bring Syaoran up short and stop him from behaving stupidly was to mention the Princess. The change never failed to be immediate, some of the tension sliding out and the younger man's expression almost apologetic now, certainly guilty. If only Kurogane had just as handy a leash. "Is she all right?" Syaoran didn't quite move Kurogane's hand on his shoulder but he did look at it long enough that the larger man made a 'tching' sound in the back of his throat and let go. "She's asleep," Fai assured him, crossing his legs and kicking them against the wooden counter beneath him thoughtfully. "It took some doing but between Yuuto-san and myself we managed to convince her it would only upset you more when you came back if she had made herself ill by not getting the proper rest." "Yuuto-san," Syaoran echoed hesitantly, looking past and into the house, "And Satsuki-san … they've --" "Gone to bed for the night. Although Satsuki-san left you a plate warming in the kitchen should you want it." "I thought the oven wasn't working?" "It wasn't but that woman just has this way with machines," Fai rubbed the back of his neck. "Damnedest thing I've ever seen but she had it working within about five minutes. And a good thing too, considering we're nearly out of funds." "We won't need them after tonight," Syaoran shrugged, the light glinting off his sandy hair, leeching some of the color away and replacing it with red and gold hues, almost fiery at the tips. "So we're leaving tomorrow then?" Kurogane asked, not looking entirely unhappy about that. "We got what we came for. There's no reason to stay." "That's what I thought yesterday and the day before," Kurogane shifted, giving Syaoran a closer examination, "But someone kept over-ruling me." "Then you should be happy that we're leaving then," Syaoran pushed into the common room, not quite meeting Fai's gaze either as he looked around, as if searching for something, almost fidgeting and Fai blinked at that, then at Kurogane who had come in behind the boy. "You shouldn't drag your scabbard in the dirt. You'll ruin the casing," Kurogane observed, neutrally -- or at least as neutrally as someone like Kurogane could ever get. "I thought I taught you to respect your blade better than that." Syaoran looked every bit of his years at that, almost -- almost flinching, shoulders stooped as if he'd taken one beating too many this evening and he was trying to hold onto his feet. Not looking at either of them, he hefted his sword up to rest against his shoulder, "I'm going to bed. I'll see you both in the morning." He was out the door and up the stairs leading into the back before either of them could say anything, deliberately quiet as Syaoran made his way upstairs, both of them listening as a door opened and then closed, faintly squeaking despite obvious efforts to the contrary, the silence between the two building until Kurogane finally moved, turning away from Fai. "Something happened," Kurogane leaned against one of the walls, fist extended as if to punch through it. "Figured that out all by yourself, did you?" The look he got was dark, reproving and had he been anyone else, it might have been intimidating but Fai knew Kurogane better than that and knew better than to assume that the anger flickering in those black eyes was directed at him. Something that was only confirmed by what the man said next, "I don't like it. The way that man keeps crossing our path. The way Syaoran hesitates and doubts himself when he's around. I should have killed him." "And thereby diminished yourself and where would we be? Syaoran would be sick with guilt and you'd upset Sakura too, and not even you're that heartless." "Then what would you suggest?" the other man turned, crossing his arms and looking almost ridiculous thanks to the ink-stained apron and oversized sweater he was wearing, the only thing Yuuto-san owned that was even close to his size, a cast off from some former apprentice and looking as if it were something Kusanagi would have worn. Kusanagi… Fai wondered how he and the others were doing, if everything had worked out for them and they had gotten home. He hoped so. "You know as well as I do that he didn't kill the man tonight, if he found him at all. You can see it in his face. And that damned priest will keep popping up until something is done about him." "Maybe," Fai said thoughtfully, hopping off the counter. "No one ever said our quest was going to be easy --" Kurogane rubbed his eyes, holding up a hand, looking faintly disgusted, "Could you not? For just one night, could you not try and look on the sunny side?" "You'd rather I mope?" "I'd rather you took something seriously for once." "You think I don't take things seriously?" Fai asked mildly. "I think --" Kurogane trailed off, looking uncomfortable, his bluster dying away for once as he looked at the stairwell again. "That I'm worried and I don't know what I'm saying right now. I think that I don't want to have a fight with you." Fai raised an eyebrow, "Maybe there's hope for you yet, Kuro-chan." "What's that supposed to mean?!" The ninja's voice went up and Fai put a finger to smiling lips trying to shush him. Some things never changed at least. *** Syaoran paused at the top of the stairs, keeping one ear on the pair below him, a little too conscious of the silence, rife with so many things unsaid, to be completely comfortable. He shouldn't have done that, he knew that. But Kurogane for all he meant well, had hit too close to home tonight -- in a number of areas and the last thing he wanted was to lose his temper and say something he couldn't take back. His companion wasn't the most forgiving of men on the best days and were he to let his anger and desolation get the better of him, there was no telling what Li would say. Better to hold his peace and try to sleep, if that was going to be possible. They had a full day ahead of them tomorrow and the jaunt between worlds was never easy on any of them. There was no sense in aggravating things now. Even if there was still something he had to do tonight before he could rest. He took a few steps, resting his hand against Sakura's door, half-raising his knuckles to knock before stopping himself. Sakura was asleep and there was no sense in waking her at this hour, not when all he wanted was to make sure that she was safe for the night. Gritting his teeth, he turned the knob, silently willing it not to squeak and letting go of a shaky breath when it didn’t, the door swinging inward just a hair as he edged past it, poking his head in. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the near total darkness, only the half-pull of a curtain providing some light but he almost smiled at the sight that greeted him, resting his head against the frame. Sakura was curled around Mokona who opened one eye and peered at him, opening its mouth then closing it as Syaoran made a shushing signal, the jewel in the middle of its forehead glinting blackly. Like this, Sakura made him think of days long past, when he and his father stayed at the palace, sneaking out of his room in the middle of the night into hers, the two of them playing games until they were either discovered or passed out next to each other in their coverlet cave -- which was as good as being discovered given how Touya liked to check on his sister early in the morning. Had the King not been so fond of his father, Syaoran might have gotten off a lot harder than he did. As it was, Touya could barely stand him on the best of days and having Syaoran so close to his baby sister had done little to help those matters. Given the way things had turned out, he wasn't sure he could altogether blame the other man. Even if he hadn't meant for things to turn out this way, they had and the only recompense he could come up with was to return Sakura with her memories, safely back to her home. As for himself -- well, he'd figure that out later. He was pretty sure Touya's kindness would extend about as far as it took for him to find the borders of the kingdom and no further. Hesitating, he glanced behind him then stepped inside, careful to keep his tread light, cradling one arm with his hand as he drew a little closer to the bed. Sakura was laying on her side, her cheek resting against one of her hands, Mokona drawn tightly to her chest with the other, lashes dark against her skin and just a hint of a smile tugging at her lips. It both heartened and saddened him to see it. Syaoran was glad that she could keep her spirits up, that her sleep at least was more restful than her waking world but -- there was something bittersweet in that smile, having more than seen it before -- having had it directed at him. Just for being there and for being who he was. For being her friend. For a long time, Sakura had been the only friend he'd ever had and if nothing else, he couldn't help but love her a little for that. 'If you really care about her, then how far are you willing to go?' The thought chased itself around his brain, causing him to draw back, turning instead to the half-veiled window, resting his face against the cool pane before looking at his reflection in it. He could remember a time when his face hadn't seemed so set, so darkened and lined, as if being worn away at, the happiness of better times eaten away, something lean and hungry staring out of tawny eyes, something he tried to hide and keep hidden from the others, from Sakura. Part of him wanted what Seishirou had to offer, if for no other reason than to have that weight lifted off his shoulders, to have a chance, more of a chance than they had now, stumbling blindly from world to world, always a hair breadth from their own destruction. If nothing else, Seishirou offered some security, aid at least. If he could trust the man meant what he said. If he could give up enough of himself, of the Syaoran Sakura thought so highly of, to take the man up on his offer. Glancing back at Sakura sleeping so peacefully, he squeezed his eyes shut and banged his fist against the glass, feeling the faint tremor singing through his muscles and he wondered if it had come from the glass or if it was something from within him, unnoticed until now. *** "So are we ready to blow this popsicle stand?" Kurogane rolled his eyes at the blond beside him. "Popsicle stand? Where did you get that … chestnut?" "From Kusanagi and Yuzuriha," Fai responded without missing a beat, tugging at his collar and smiling down at Sakura who was giggling quietly at the two of them. "Some of us are actually learning things on our travels instead of perfecting out sulking techniques, Kuropi." "I do not sulk!" "Of course you don't," Fai patted his arm and turned his head, smile not fading but looking a touch more concerned. "Syaoran?" Li dragged his gaze back to where they were all standing, obviously waiting for him, having found a secluded bit of street for them to make the jump, Mokona flitting about in Sakura's arms, obviously ready to be gone. He couldn't help but flush under that collective stare, one last glance at the print shop and the street beyond it. "Syaoran?" Sakura took a step towards him, worry staining fresh features, her green eyes darkening. "Are you-- Are you okay?" He tried to smile at her, rubbing the back of his neck and shaking his head. "I'm just daydreaming. It's nothing," he assured her, falling into step beside her. "We should go." "Without me, my darling Syaoran-kun? I'm crushed." He didn't have to turn around, Sakura's whitening features and the sudden clenching of Kurogane's jaw told him more than enough, eyes drifting to the slow tightening of Fai's posture. The potential for violence was rife here. He didn't even have to do anything. He didn't but he did, turning around and breathing in deeply, "I thought you weren't going to make it, Seishirou-san." The older boy shrugged, movements careless as he narrowed the intervening space between them, smiling genially at everyone one, the sunlight glinting off his glasses. "Now, now, Syaoran-kun. I had a few things to finish up here first and you made me wait so long for my invitation. Seishirou smiled at Sakura, his grin widening as he looped an arm around Syaoran's shoulders, studying him intently, "Shall we go?" Syaoran let the slight pressure on his shoulders and back propel him forward towards Fai and Kurogane, keeping his eyes ahead with only the faintest glimpse of green eyes wide and almost horrified, the half lift of a slender white hand wavering, then falling away. It hurt, more than he thought it would, more than anything had in a while and since starting on this trip, he'd come to know new levels of hell, of pain and torment, things that had nothing to do with implements and everything to do with feeling, with love and hope and just how crushing those emotions could be. It was better this way. Better to cling only to the hope that he'd find her feathers and get her home safely. Everything else, all that was and could have been, nothing more than a childish dream, the fall from that grace not so gentle. They'd already said their good-byes that day in Clow, Sakura's hand in his just before she slipped from his door, before that fateful day at the dig. She had forgotten that and maybe it was time he did, too. For both their sakes. ***End return to splash page