Only Hope An X/1999 vignette Sephy He'd been here before. So many times Shirou Kamui had walked past this spot on the way to class, a roundabout way to be sure and one that more often than not made him late but for whatever reason he couldn't stop himself. Still can't, even now so long after the fact, after all that was left of those lazy afternoons was the memory of drowning warmth and the low drawl of Subaru's voice, the words rising and falling in a cadence he can still hear all the way down to his toes. The gazebo was quiet now so long after sunset, almost hidden by trees and shrubbery, the wind off the lake lifting branches, a wordless rustle that played with hair and clothing. There was a clean smell here like the one he remembered from those days not so long past, freshly cut grass and dew, the grounds still wet from the afternoon rain. This was CLAMP campus, wild and civilized, dense forests not clustered uncomfortably but sprawling, the river winding on and on into smaller ponds and ornamental lakes, steel and plexiglass high rises rearing out of the woodland. The same magic that had once helped conceal the Shinken and protect the campus for so long also aided in the climate controlled circumstances, the perfection of spring caught forever for all the students here to enjoy. Strings of lights and street lamps dotted the campus, stark pinks and orange against the faint indigo of sunset, cloud cover finally starting to roll in. Kamui rubbed his arms, skin rippling with a faint chill, pausing before the darkened structure, then approaching it with ginger care. He paused a moment before stepping over the threshold, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. It felt colder somehow; colder and smaller, the stone table in the middle of the building more rough and abused than he cared to remember. He hadn't actually been inside the gazebo in so long, not since that morning he'd awoke to find his life had changed yet again, the billow of satin curtains in farewell the only good-bye he'd ever been given by anything relating to Subaru. Reaching out he let his fingertips skim the air above the table, detecting a hint of cool before he turned, scooting up and backward quickly, sitting down and trying not to wince as that cold turned to ice, the stone having lost whatever warmth that had baked into it as the day marched onward. Now it was cold and still and waiting. Sleeping, he supposed, until the next day. Until classes began anew again and someone tromped past, using the gazebo for whatever purpose they chose -- a meeting ground, a place of solace and quiet, or maybe a lover's hideout. His face warmed a little at the last, and Kamui scowled, sliding his legs onto one of the benches, arms resting against his knees as he looked out onto the campus at a new angle. He caught a glimpse of the carnilion as it began chiming in the distance, a steady, hollowing thrum that he could feel echo around in his skull and through his teeth which he gritted in an effort to curb the sensation. Tapping his foot, he shifted again, passing a hand over his hair and ear, flattening the palm there and then pulling it away again, the weird suctioning pressure that followed disconcerting. The bell tolled and then in the lull that followed, he felt -- something, a shadow, a stillness that made all the silences before it seem false. Kamui froze, half-tempted to look over his shoulder instead stiffening and straightening in an attempt to look more like an adult and not the gawky, soon to be eighteen year old he was. In his case, this meant not moving too much lest his limbs tangle up and he trip over them as he was wont to do when he was nervous sometimes. There was something amusing about the fact that there were still things that could make him nervous given all that had happened. "You know, if you didn't want to meet here, Kamui, you could have said no," The voice was part of the stillness instead of shattering it, smooth and calm, not dry and unemotional as some might have thought but filled with hidden depths and just now, the slightest hint of humor. "I wouldn't have held it against you." Kamui shrugged or attempted to without moving very much, "It's not a big deal. I just don't know why this sudden attack of nostalgia." "You do remember who you're talking to right?" Something shifted and he caught the movement out of the corner of his eye, chewing on his lip as he attempted to remain still. Whether he willed it or no, it was always like this when they met. The atmosphere seeming to tense up, pregnant with possibilities, with words and thoughts that were never voiced and actions that could never be taken back. "That's not nostalgia," Kamui said, "That's living in the past. And there's a difference." "Really? And what would that be?" The other sounded calm, too calm, damn him and the amusement he'd strained to hear before was there again, more evident than before. Kamui's ears heated and he hunched over just a bit, tugging at his fingers and popping them nervously. "Nostalgia's appreciating the past. Appreciating. Not living in it. Not breathing and walking through it like you're still caught in it." This was dangerous ground, a conversation that they'd skirted a time or two but never had completely and the last thing Kamui wanted to do was cause offense or pick a fight. The last time that had happened it was nearly three weeks before he was given a chance to make amends. There were some places, some subjects that they'd found it was better to avoid if at all possible and he wasn't stupid enough not to sense the potential for another mood shift, one far less playful than what he was seeing now. "Anyway, I'm not saying I didn't want to meet here. I'm just surprised to see you … well, on Campus? At all? Especially after the sensor thingies went off like they did last time," Kamui paused, biting the inside of his lip now in an effort not to smile, "I don't think I've ever seen you move quite that fast before. Not even when Fu--" The words choked and he was sorry he'd brought them up, sorry he'd brought up that time and him, falling silent again. Nervous fingers brushed his bangs out of his face, wishing he had something to do with his hands, something more than just feel them twitch, scarred skin mottled in the dimness, silver leeched white until the skin looked like it truly was, dead. "Kamui." Lips brushed his ear and he couldn't help but start at that, trying to steady himself as an arm closed around his waist, drawn closer until all he could feel was warmth, that and the thrum of a heart beating against his back, the scent of cigarettes and something cleaner underneath like sage or mint wrapping around him, refusing to let go, as unyielding as that past they'd spoken of earlier. A gloved hand insinuated itself against his chest, resting just above his heart and if that spooked him Kamui opted not to admit it, not even to himself, instead leaning back and resting his head against the shoulder offered. The arms around him were surprisingly strong for all their deceptive frailty, a little too long and thin, almost spindly, clad in heavy leather. Kamui tilted his head, the milk white expanse of a throat peering out of a black turtleneck and above it the gently rounding, almost heart-shaped features that were too masculine to be pretty but were beautiful nonetheless. Like that single emerald eye, still wide and almost innocent despite the weary tint reflecting back at him, mirrored by the disparate brown eye across from it, lids drooping until Kamui could only see strips of color as Subaru moved to brush his lips against the top of his head. For the Sumeragi it was a terribly intimate gesture, one that spoke volumes, almost as much as this simple embrace, lifting his fingers to rest atop the hand on his chest, not quite twining them together as much as he wanted that. He couldn't say why Subaru had started coming around, only that he had and that he showed no inclination to stop any time soon. Which might have might have been a problem if Kamui hadn't wanted it so badly himself. Unlike Subaru, he'd never been very good at hiding, not what he felt or even what he thought. In that they were almost polar opposites, Kamui lacking the restraint that came now as second nature to Subaru, his heart out in the open where everyone could see it. See it and possibly grind it into the ground. He'd never been able to just accept things as the older man did, not when the status quo went against everything in him. So he railed and he fought because that was better than just sitting back and doing nothing at all. Fighting was hard and it was all the time and it never stopped but fighting was also part of being alive. And there were too many people now broken and dead for him to just give up. It was maybe the one thing he could not do, not even for Subaru, not with so many corpses paving the way from past to present. And the future? He didn't think in terms of futures anymore. Not when each moment was a future creating and destroying itself all over and over again. He'd lived an entire year with the weight of the future on his shoulders and after 1999, he wasn't sure it was something he wanted to dwell on anymore, not when it superceded the present. Subaru… It was unfair to say that Subaru lived in the past. Lived with it was possibly a better way of putting it. Lived with it and breathed it and was haunted by it, pulled into it by the smallest of things. A thunderstorm in Shinjuku. The laughter of young girls as they ran at then around them, decked out in bright colors like exotic birds, eyes alight with the sheer enjoyment of life. Or the faint outline of Rainbow Bridge in the distance, all sleek rebuilt lines and angles, bigger and taller than before, a monument of steel garters and lighted cables. Kamui had shuddered the day the bridge had been unveiled, setting foot on it for the first and only time that day, wracked by the ghost of too many memories himself to ever be comfortable there. Not when with that first step he had so clearly seen Subaru again, hunched over and clutching the dead body of the Sakurazukamori to him, face all too flushed with emotion for the first time since Kamui had met him -- But Subaru walked there tempting the past, tempting himself beyond all reason by going there. Kamui knew this because the Sumeragi had told him so, the words cutting him so deep that there were still shards buried beneath his skin, left over fragments of anguish and jealousy and so much insecure longing. An echo of who he had been and who he was now, a too sober boy with occasional outbursts of temper who despite his efforts to the contrary could never quite find his place amongst his peer group. His pieces were too rough, too jagged and bent in places and he never felt comfortable. Not around most people, trusting very few and reaching out to even fewer, happier to visit Kotori's tree and commune with the birds nesting there, climbing those twisting branches and finding solace in the sky and the wind. It should have been lonely and sometimes it was but Kamui was also happy to sit back and watch for a change. To not be in the thrust and the pulse of events all the time, better equipped now to choose what battles he wanted to fight. "I'm sorry," Kamui spoke at last, wincing at the apathetic contrition that marred his tone, dulling it to the point of resignation as only one topic could. "I didn't mean to bring up -- to bring it up." "I know," Subaru's soft voice offered little comfort but the arms around him tightened perceptibly. "And I didn't mean to bring up the past. Or rather I did but I'd hoped for something a little less -- painful, I guess." Subaru waited, the chin resting against Kamui's head moving a little as if he were looking around, before continuing, "This place, those days -- they weren't painful. Do you remember them? In all the time from my sister's death to this moment, I think the time we spent here was the happiest I remember being. Or," Subaru's tone became deprecating now, "as familiar as I am with that term anyway. Happiness." "No, they were. They were --" Kamui searched for a word now, simpler too much of a lie and complicated not even beginning to cover it. "different, I guess." And they had been. Different from any of the days he'd ever known, even with Fuuma and Kotori. With Fuuma and Kotori he had been a child, with childish thoughts and desires, the friendship and love he felt for them something different that the complex mesh of feelings Subaru had always roused in him. Admiration. Despair. Anger. Hope. And a nascent desire that had all but overwhelmed him. But he'd never seen Subaru, not as he truly was, not then at least. Kamui knew what Subaru had shown him, feeling a kinship and a closeness that he'd never felt with another living being, not even Fuuma and Kotori. He and Subaru -- they weren't like everyone else, and what had been foisted off on their shoulders was something that no one, no sane human being, would ever willingly bear. Alone and singular and marked as exceptional from the moment they were born, not having a goddamn say in that because what did Destiny care about human wants or wishes? He'd known Subaru better than anyone else but he'd never known what was at the bottom of his heart, the wish that all others were based upon. Because he'd wanted to see Subaru the way he thought he should be and not the way he was, because he'd wanted to lean on Subaru, to take comfort in his presence when there was no comfort in the chaos of 1999. But Subaru was far more broken than Kamui had comprehended at the time, broken and lost and always needing something, some sense of balance that had been torn from him. It was not until Rainbow Bridge and then after seeing Subaru at Fuuma's side, whole once more with Seishirou's brown eye and the mantle of the Sakurazukamori on him, that Kamui had begun to understand. Or thought he had. Understanding Subaru was turning out to be a lifelong occupation, one fraught with all sorts of opportunities for misunderstanding. "Different," Subaru agreed. A more wistful note entered his voice, "When I was little, I thought happiness was -- well, that it just was. That it was something you could just find and hold onto. But it isn't like that at all. It's fleeting and it's fragile and you never realize that you've held it until it's gone." Kamui thought about that, the image of blood on white skin, linen stained scarlet as beads scattered to the winds and a girl with Subaru's face falling like a flower cut down too soon. Too soon. It was always too soon with death but there were some deaths that were far sooner and more urgent than others. Death had a way of changing things, of changing people, whether strengthening or breaking them completely. Happiness was like that, too. Something you could yearn for and never have, separated from the rest of humanity by the bitter fruit of knowledge, of knowing there was more going on than all those around you could ever hope to fathom. The desire for happiness, for acceptance and love, searching in all the places where it should be and wasn't, could drive you mad. But that maybe that was the crux of it because happiness was never something you could force; it was something that found you when you weren't expecting it. "I think that happiness is something you have to make for yourself. Something you have to take and make your own. That's why it never lasts. It's too easy to just let it slip and not do anything about it except mourn. Trying for it, trying --" Kamui shrugged against Subaru. "Trying is harder." "Trying is always harder," Subaru said. "And it always hurts more." "Subaru?" "Yes?" Sitting up, Kamui didn't disentangle himself so much as he twisted his body around until he was able to look at Subaru, eye to eye, trying not to tense up as he saw the other's eyebrow raise. He took the hand that had been resting against his chest and held it in his hands, squeezing it. "Subaru? Why are you here?" "Because I thought this would be a nice reminder of --" "No, Subaru. Why are you here? Why are you with me? Why -- why have you come?" The Sumeragi lapsed into silence, head tilting as his chin raised, expression neutral. "Don't you know?" He thought he did. He thought but -- he'd made misunderstanding Sumeragi Subaru an art form. Every time he thought he had the man pegged, Subaru did something completely unpredictable and he was left learning all over again. "No," Kamui shook his head, nervous fingers squeezing Subaru's. "I've never known. I've never known how you find me. How you know when -- when I'm thinking of you. Those times when I need you here and those times I need you not to be. And I've never known why -- Well, why? Is this a game? Something to do to pass the time?" "Is that what you think it is?" "I don't know what I think," And Kamui smiled a little now, even in the face of the awful calm creeping over Subaru's features. "I never have. Kind of my specialty remember?" "Do you want me to go, Kamui? Do you --" "No! No, that's --" Kamui drew a breath and shook his head again. "That's not what I meant. That's not what I want at all but I need to know. Why are you here? What is it you -- well, what do you want? Because I'm not anyone special anymore. I'm all used up on wishes and what hopes I have … " He trailed off for a moment, glancing away, towards the carnilion again, the canary yellow spire rounding off into the emblem of CLAMP Campus. "I never thought … Well, I never thought about any of this. I never thought I would live to be almost eighteen, let alone seventeen. I never thought I would be walking and breathing and going to school and trying to pretend that nothing happened at all. That you none of you ever existed, that Sorata isn't dead and Fuuma -- After Fuuma, I never thought I would have any hope ever again. And after seeing you at his side, I prayed I never would again." "But?" "But you're here. You're here and I don't know why you're here or why you keep coming back. You're here and all I can feel is hope, burning me whole. You come and I feel like I'm going to burst with happiness and then you leave and I'm still happy because I tell myself that you'll be back. Even when there's no reason for you to be here at all. Not you. Not the Sakurazukamori. Not Sumeragi Subaru. Especially knowing that Imonoyama-sama has forbidden you to set foot on campus." "I wasn't aware I was expected to keep accordance with Imonoyama-sama's edicts. Is that what you want?" "Why is that the only thing you ever ask of me? 'Is that what you want?' What is it you want, Subaru?" Subaru let his gaze drift over Kamui, slowly then back up again with all due seriousness, his green eye almost earnest for once, something that seemed both alien and out of place, "I would think that's obvious." "You …" Kamui choked, putting a hand against his temple, mumbling. "Okay. I think reality is checking out for me right now so I'm going to go before I do something incredibly stupid because there is no way that you said what I think you just said." "What is it you think I'm saying -- " "Okay, can we cut the questions? Please? I had enough of those in 1999 and I don't like them any better now than I did then. If this is one of those figure it out for yourself exercise things, I'm going home. I mean, would it kill you to answer a question instead of asking me another one?" Subaru drew back, crossing his arms, face slipping into a more familiar, if not pensive set as he stepped away, leaning against one of the gazebo beams. He seemed to consider the question, turning it over in his mind for a few minutes before he finally shifted, turning his face towards the campus. "I like it here. I like -- spending time with you. Being around you. It's … different." "Different how?" Kamui was surprised to find his voice, having to work to close his mouth. Subaru glanced at him then up towards the overhang, "Different. From everything else. From my life. From what I do now. I feel." "Feel what?" "Who's asking the questions now?" Subaru challenged but not unkindly, "I feel, Kamui. Something. Anything. I don't know what it is. I just know that the only time I feel real, that I feel as if I exist in the here and now and not in an endlessly looping past is when you're here." His face warmed again. No, not warmed, burned, a splash of white-hot fire heating his cheeks and crawling from his neck onward. He would have given the world once for those words and now, now… It wasn't enough. Palms flattening against the table, he vaulted out of his sitting position, sensing Subaru watching him more than anything else as he straightened his tie and uniform, grimacing at the faint brown smudge staining his shirt, reminding himself to put in for the wash rather than on the floor and thereby for tomorrow's wearing again. Then he put his hands behind his back, the picture of innocence and composure as he took a tentative step towards the Sumeragi. That delicate brown eyebrow was raised again, expression faintly quizzical as if Subaru suddenly didn't know what to make of Kamui at all. He drifted closer, each step claiming more ground than the last for all the tiny steps he took, giving, at least in his mind, Subaru the time and opportunity to do something. Stop him. Or move back. But Subaru continued to watch him, something close to amusement in the brown eye while the green seemed nonplussed, interested and afraid at the same time. Kamui had grown in the last year and a half though not by much, tall enough now that he could look Subaru squarely in those mismatched eyes, able to see them widen as he slide a hand under Subaru's chin, leaning forward those last few centimeters to press his lips against Subaru's. As kisses go, it probably wasn't much. It had none of the ravenous demands that Fuuma had placed upon him, demands followed with fear and pain that had made him want to shy back when anyone touched him, even now having to work not to flinch away with Subaru. Nor was it a shy fumbling mash of furitive kisses, stolen in a moment before a world ended and Kotori was taken from him forever. It wasn't even the quick, giggly kisses a couple of his female classmates had pressed against his cheek this last Valentine's Day, exploding into laughter as he stood there sputtering. This was tentative and slow, careful as his hand came to rest gingerly on Subaru's shoulder, stepping closer and feeling Subaru straighten, a hand finding itself against the base of Kamui's spine. Subaru's mouth was cool and soft like the skin he was holding in his fingers, lips parted just a little because of Kamui's hold on his chin more than anything else and Kamui let his tongue brush against that tempting lower lip cautiously, wary of any change, any tension that might signal a rejection or oncoming violence. But there was nothing. Just unmoving perfection, cold and unyielding as Kamui sighed, trying to swallow his disappointment as he pulled back, memorizing Subaru's face, the slight glaze over opaque green and brown and the knit of muscle between his eyebrows, as if he were trying to work something out. Kamui squeezed his shoulder and started to tell him not to worry about it when Subaru moved, leaning forward, his mouth against Kamui's and now it was his turn to be still, more from surprise than anything. Subaru kissed as if it was something he'd never had experience with, as if he understood the mechanics behind it but the emotion behind it made him quicker than perhaps he ought to have been, his chin bumping against Kamui's and teeth brushing Kamui's lips. He kissed the way people do when they feel they had to lead and were trying to make up for inexperience in that with some sort of wary bravado. Kamui pulled back again, pressing his forehead against Subaru's, fingers smoothing over his cheek and trying not to swallow hard at the sudden fragility he glimpsed. He could break Subaru if he wanted to, he realized, with just the right word or action, he could shatter whatever was left of Subaru and the burden of that knowledge was almost too much. Tipping his head, he brushed his lips between the knot in his forehead, mind racing as he tried to figure out just what the fucking hell he was doing here with Sumeragi Subaru and how he was not going to mess this up. "Kamui?" Subaru's voice had flattened out even further, hollow and filled with an instability that was now glaringly obvious for all to see. A gloved hand gripped the front of his shirt, Subaru looking at him, silently asking for something, that legendary calm held onto by fingernails being replaced by an urgency that he'd never seen before. "Kamui." Kamui shook his head, kissing Subaru again quickly, the lips against his pliable, moving and attempting to keep up. Kamui tilted his head, stepping closer still, his free hand smoothing over Subaru's arm, the leather folds of his coat yet another barrier between the other man and the rest of the world. Subaru's lips parted easily as he gave into his own growing excitement, pushing past the fear of rejection and taking that tentative gesture for what it was, an invitation. His tongue brushed against Subaru's lower lip again, taking the time to catch it with his teeth and feeling the older man start, kept in place by the beam he was leaning agains. Kamui closed that final distance between them, feeling awkward and desperate as he pushed against Subaru, the other man's body too slender, all angles and wiry strength. But he was real and this -- this too, was real. The hand sliding over his spine and the knee sliding between Subaru's leg, those were real, too. As was the swelling he could feel beginning to make itself known through the leather of the other's pants, hips pressing together, beginning to rub against one another. He felt Subaru gasp against his lips, eyes opening to watch him before closing again, sinking into this, sinking into Kamui, kisses coming with more confidence than before as their bodies ground harder against each other, sharp hipbones digging into Kamui's as he tried to keep steady on his feet. Subaru's mouth was warm and tasting of bittersweet smoke, slick as Kamui's tongue touched first the hard line of teeth then the quick dart of the other man's tongue before it shied away, Kamui following, kissing him harder than before. Now he was the one who felt clumsy and inexperienced, his only experiences with being this close to anyone like this full of remembered pain, of cuts and ribs breaking, the taste of blood rising up so thick and fast that he nearly choked -- "Kamui," Subaru murmured and he started, not having felt the other man pull back, eyebrows furrowing in mild concern. There was something beautiful about seeing Subaru like this, hair tousled and milk-pale skin flushed, suffused with color right down to reddened, swollen lips. "I -- it's just … bad memories," Kamui laughed, voice gruff and not a little hoarse, his thumb stroking the curve of Subaru's cheek. "Do you want -- to stop?" Subaru said the words as if they were foreign to him. They certainly sounded foreign coming off of the Sumeragi's normally reserved tongue. "Do you?" He countered. Subaru considered that too, eyes distant for a long second before they focused on him again, something almost shy softening his stern features. " … no. I want to see." "See what?" "How much I can feel," Subaru's voice was nearly inaudible, Kamui having to strain in order to hear. "How much more you can make me feel." "That's not exactly helpful, yanno?" Kamui moved, his knee rising a bit and Subaru's face bloomed with color again, an almost sly smile tugging at Kamui's mouth now. "There's feeling and then there's feeling. Which is it?" "Don't play with me, Kamui," Subaru sobered, eyes dilated and too large, glinting in the darkness. "Don't --" "Shh," Kamui shook his head, leaning forward to brush his lips against Subaru's cheek and just beside his nose before moving up over his brow, sprinkling kisses and feeling some of the unhappy tension starting to ebb a little. "I only meant -- what are we doing? Does this mean something? Anything? I -- I'm impulsive but I'm not going to use you, Subaru. And I think you know, I think you've always known how I feel about you." There was a perceptible nod at that and Kamui had to resist the urge to follow up the silence that followed with a million different questions that would probably have all gone unanswered and completely killed the mood. Biting his lip, he blurted out, "I'm not him." That was perhaps the wrong thing to say, Subaru's features taking on an angry slant. "Is that what you think this is? That I think you're him?" "Hell, if I know what this is," Kamui's voice raised even as he tried to stop it. "I don't know what you want. I never have. We made that abundantly clear years ago. I don't know but I'd like to. I'd like to treat you -- better. Better than him. Better than anyone else but I'm never going to not be able to fuck it up if I don't know how far I can push, how far I can go. Or if -- if you even like me." "Of course I like you," Subaru's voice was heated, not the hard, frigid anger he was used to hearing from the Sumeragi but something more visceral and almost anguished. "If I didn't like you then things would be so much easier. I could just stop and not have to keep doing this. I could finally let go and maybe find some sort of peace again. I could stop thinking of you at all and feeling myself care as much as I hate that I do? "Do you know what it's like, Kamui? To care and to despise yourself for that, to have lost all you've ever held dear and still lumber on because there's something else pulling at you despite your best efforts to shut it out?" He sucked in a breath feeling his fingers clenched, trying not to tremble, "Fuuma. And Kotori. I loved them. I loved them so much and I couldn't hold onto them, not either of them. I couldn't save anyone, not even you. The only thing I've ever been able to do is make a choice." "Then make another one," Subaru whispered, Kamui's eyes drawn back to his. "Make another choice and don't be afraid because you think you're making the wrong one." Kamui nodded, studying him before he leaned forward to kiss him again, expecting something stiff and uncomfortable but as soon as their lips touched, the connection between them surged again, all of his anger channeling into something else, almost afraid. Afraid to trust himself. Afraid to trust Subaru by reaching out again. But he had one chance, just one and if he let it go he knew he'd regret it for the rest of his life however long or short that might be. It was that thought more than any other that fueled him, replacing whatever tenderness that had been there with something more needy, clingy and with more than a spark of wildness, his arms sliding around Subaru's waist as he lifted and pushed Subaru upward, the older man lighter than his frame suggested. Tilting his head, he deepened the kiss once more, Subaru's tongue sliding into his mouth this time more insistent than before, caught as he was in the act, in needing this, in needing him, each kiss seeming to burn into his flesh, melting between the two of them like heated air. His leg slid upward until Subaru was straddling it, his own swelling erection rubbing against one of Subaru's legs, thrusting forward and wringing a whimper from his -- his… 'Lover,' his mind supplied helpfully and it was all he could do not to topple the both of them, because their limbs were too entangled, too caught and he wanted to touch and taste everything. He wanted to feel Subaru's skin against his, having to content himself with the rough of leather and his lover's simple turtleneck, managing to wiggle one hand between them, dragging at that barrier until Subaru's stomach rippled in response to his fingers finding purchase. It was hard to breathe like this, harder still to ignore his heart jack-hammering response as he surged forward again, Subaru thrusting downward to meet him, gloved hands sliding behind his neck, buried deep in his hair as they strained against each other, Kamui feeling hotter and more stretched than he could ever remember being. More out of control too, as if his limbs had developed a mind of their own and he could no more stop them or himself than he could stop breathing. His thigh rubbed harder against the swelling flesh pressed against him and something in Subaru seemed to snap, his mouth hungry and demanding, pulling at the back of Kamui's neck as if he could drag him closer still, bodies all but glued together, Kamui's chest to his abdomen, legs locked and rubbing frantically. There were going to be bruises later on for the both of them probably, he acknowledged as he gripped Subaru's hip harder than was strictly necessary. But none of that mattered, nothing beyond this moment and this glorious struggle, trying to get closer, as if they could dig into each other, needing and wanting an ever tightening whirl that that coiled in his belly, winding faster and faster until he couldn't hold on anymore, distracted by that as tell-tale tremors went off in Subaru's body, the other man stifling a cry against his throat . Kamui gritted his teeth then gave up, pushing once, twice more before letting go completely, his grip on Subaru tightening, trying to hold him through this blinding pleasure, limbs languorous and hot as he felt a gentle weariness start to take hold, knees unsteady and informing him that while he might think they could manage a little longer holding both he and Subaru up, they had other ideas. Hugging Subaru to him he stumbled a bit, half dragging the both of them backwards, his efforts were hampered by the Sumeragi being half-draped over him and showing no inclination to move much beyond that. He settled on getting about halfway to the table before he gave up, dropping onto the concrete floor, pulling Subaru so that he fell against him rather than on the ground, trying to catch his breath and ignoring the sticky wet smearing against his still clothed skin. Subaru was flushed, cheeks fever bright and there was a light in his eyes that Kamui had never seen, that made him want to roll them both over and start all over again if it produced the same effect. He wanted to see Subaru like this again. He wanted to see that pale skim flush and suffuse with color, to hear those choked cries that escaped so grudgingly as if Subaru were afraid or ashamed to let them out, and then finally the passion beneath all those layers of ice and calm, tentative and hidden but burning brightly once it found a focus. Kamui wanted to feel Subaru's arms around him like this again, he wanted to know that there would be a next time, that he had chosen rightly. The idea of having this closeness, this freedom, after wanting it and Subaru for so long and then possibly losing it hurt more than anything else. Stroking Subaru's hair, he closed his eyes, his heart still beating too fast for another reason now as he turned to murmur in his lover's ear. "Did I make the wrong choice?" Subaru was quiet, his arms still wrapped around Kamui's neck as he shook his head, his forehead brushing against Kamui's throat, "No. You didn't." ***End return to splash page